Hello friends! Crazy Cow Lady here with more farming shenanigans! This one might be a little hard on the male population, but ya’ll be okay! So let’s get to the adventure!
I’ll start with another newbie failure to admit. I did not know there were different genders of cows (bows head in shame). Yes, I heard terms like steers and bulls, but I thought they were, well, slang perhaps?
Hush. I’m new. Anyway, I learned very fast. For those veteran farmers, just bear with me as I explain cattle gender basics. The first batch of our wild cows were heifer calves (females that hadn’t had babies yet). When they have babies, they are upgraded to a cow. The second batch were the bottle bulls (young calves that still have their…well…calf nuts). Bulls are guys that get to keep their junk and go on to father babies because they have nice qualities to pass on. A calf is a cattle baby and a yearling is year old calf.
Then we get to steers. Steers are guys that lose their junk early in life to follow other paths that we shall not mention, unless they become pets like mine and, as Cattle Daddy says, “eat all our profits”. We are castrating my boys because “we” don’t want more “pets”. That’s a whole different story…back to the topic at hand!
Today’s story is about our adventure in turning our bottle bulls into steers. Castration.
Apparently, there are several methods for castration and we opted for the banding method, which seemed the least painful method for the poor little guys. It does, however, require a horrifying looking tool shown below and a rubber band.
Side note: Cattle Daddy found it necessary to post a Facebook meme with this tool as a warning to teen boys chasing his daughter.
As most of our adventures begin, we declare a day for the deed, gather the necessary tools, a healthy mix of apprehension/optimism, and head out to the barn. The guys up for banding today are my bottle babies: Boomer, Mouse, and Skunk. I lure their poor, unsuspecting souls into the barn and we isolate our first victim, Boomer:
Cattle Daddy coaxes him to lay down and flip over. I’m in charge of holding him down, so I gently take his shoulders and tell him all will be okay. Cattle Daddy has his tool banded and ready to go…and starts massaging Boomer’s balls!! I busted out laughing. I couldn’t help it, I didn’t see that one coming at all! My big, bad Cattle Daddy gently massaging balls!! Bwahahaha! We must stop for a moment, I cannot go on!!
After taking a minute to compose myself, we attempt to proceed. Cattle Daddy calmly explaining that the balls had “retreated” and he needed to “coax” them out. I could barely contain myself. I was giggling like a schoolboy who heard an adult say boobs for the first time! Cattle Daddy is shooting daggers at me, he is not amused, but he continues to fondle calf nuts! Teeheehee!!
Breathe. Compose. Proceed. Okay, so after he massaged (snort) the balls into place and banded him, I was happy to see that he wasn’t too upset about it. That would be Boomer I’m talking about; Cattle Daddy was still not amused at my giggles. Boomer kicked around a bit but then went on about his business, much to my relief. Less than an hour later, we had three steers-in-the-making. Apparently, sometime in the next 3-4 weeks, the balls are supposed to just shrivel up and fall off, and boom! We have steers! I found this much more appealing than having them surgically removed. But wait! The story doesn’t end there!
Fast-forward 3-4 weeks later and more family from Ohio comes to visit! They fall in love with the herd, of course, and we are all wandering around the pasture with them. A member of family from Ohio, identity undisclosed, turns to us while holding up a quarter-sized piece of fur and asks, “what’s this”? This time, Cattle Daddy joins me in bursting into bwahahahas!
We broke the news on the furry object she is holding and thank her for confirming that our bulls are now steers! She was not amused!!
Thank you for joining me friends!!! On to the next adventure!!